Merriam Webster defines “daddy body” as “a physique regarded as typical of the average father.” Especially: one who is slightly overweight and not extremely muscular.” As a parent, the use of the word “typical” bothers me. Anyone who knows me knows that my “overweight and under-muscled” body is unique.
America’s most reliable dictionary doesn’t have a definition for “daddy’s car,” but if it did, I’m sure it would be similar to “four-wheeled automobile owned by a man who gets excited but doesn’t think things through.” stuff”. .”
Dads and cars. They go together like two objects that really go together.
Father’s Day lands on June 19 and is an opportunity to reflect on the relationship between our patriarchs and their cars. Dads are known to have strong feelings towards their cars. Take, for example, the text I received from my father (who drove a Celica in the 1980s) after he wrote a column proclaiming that my dream car was the 1982 VW Rabbit I bought for my mother.
(Emojis are in CAPITAL LETTERS)
“What a PERPLEX FACE, DAMN FACE, how can you fantasize about a VW rabbit on top of a Toyota Celica? EDVARD MUNCH THE SCREAM
GROUCHO MARX FACE, ANGRY FACE, LOUD CRYING FACE, COLD FACE, VOMITING FACE, PILE OF POOP, DIZZY FACE”.
Like I said, strong feelings. Note that this outpouring of emotion came despite me writing a column praising the drives I took in said 1979 Celica.
There are countless articles that tell you what brand and model to buy your dad for Father’s Day. There are articles exploring which “reliable, practical and safe” vehicles are the best cars for dad. Instead of repeating this territory, let’s take a look at the men themselves, at the different types of “Car Dads.” After all, cars come and go, dad remains the same.
Clean car dad: He is not pathologically obsessed with having a clean car. He just thinks having a car so spotless it could be in a showroom is “easier.” Are you eating a sandwich? No problem, he’s not nervous about the mess. But maybe it would be easier for you to finish it and wash your hands before you get in the car?
Dad’s new car: If you did the math and took into account resale value, depreciation, and the fact that he sells the old one himself, and spends no money on fancy decorations and rarely goes on vacations, he would see that buying a new car every two or four years makes financial sense.
Quiet car dad: He is focused on driving.
Cold Car Dad: Would you like the heat to turn up? Of course, you’ll get right to that in a minute. No, he will not. Ever. I encountered the most serious case of Cold Car Dad when, as a 15-year-old, I worked as an opening magician for Willy and Floyd (Bill Luxton and Les Lye) on their Christmas concert tours in the Ottawa Valley. Lye drove and kept the driver’s side window cracked open. Sitting in the back dressed in a top hat and tails, I froze. Lye and Luxton had served in the armed forces and did not seem to believe in heated cars.
Same car dad: He doesn’t just buy Ford. He only likes Fords. So he buys them. Always.
Father of early automobile adopters: He bought a Tesla in 2012. His next vehicle will come with smart visors, in-car biometric technology, brain-to-car connectivity and augmented reality systems. And it will be of a color still unknown to the universe.
He wishes he was riding his father on a motorcycle: “Yeah, my Toyota Siena is great, I can accommodate my kids and their friends and all their stuff, but…” Her eye is covered with a single tear.
Divorce car dad: It’s your dream car, if your dreams are a used car you once shared with your spouse.
Father of the philosophical car: He doesn’t talk much about the meaning of life and why we’re all here, but he sticks a windshield in front of him and voila: Socrates!
He just hopes you’re considering parenting grad school cars: Just hope you’re considering going to graduate school, that’s all. Now where did I need to leave you?
Gearhead Motorist Dad: “So this is a piston, this would have been from the last series engines, probably 52 or 53, you can see the rings are quite thick, and this engine wore out, the ring lands are blown, this ring was worked very hard and they also had four rings, they added a secondary ring at the bottom of the piston, you see another ring…”
Classic Rock Car Dad: Did you know that the members of Van Halen were all classically trained pianists? Yes, you did, you learned it the first time he played “Panama” for you when you were five years old. But did you know that Eddie Van Halen couldn’t read music? Yeah, you learned that the first time he played “Runnin’ with the Devil.” You can listen to any station you want as long as it starts with Q.
Have I missed one? Add your own Car Dad to the illustrious list.